Wishlist the length of the Liffey

Back for my once a year blogpost, it’s so tough being a lazy bitch honestly. As you can imagine, my online shopping has gotten out of control since being on lockdown. I’m not talking about one or two packages, I have a severe problem. It’s gotten to a stage where if I wake up and there isn’t a package thrown on the end of my bed by my ma I genuinely get upset. First world problems I know. Since all festivals have been cancelled this post will be a few pics of an outfit I had planned. Now I’ll just be wearing my poxy tears lying in bed.

Oi oi little saucy minx of an outfit. Big fan of a co-ord if I do say so myself. This little number is so simple but with the right accessories would be abso massive. The top and shorts come in at just under 70€ which isn’t bad considering you can wear them separately aswell. Tbh I’ll probably still buy it when I’m not unemployed and on the dole (love that for me). I’m about to set the scene- you’re in a field, sun splittin the trees, you’ve just set up camp and taken your first sip of a warm can. You have this sexy lil two piece on and you hear a wolf whistle from some ugly pox of a fella. Life is good. Need I say more?

Starting off this paragraph by saying if I die in the near future, someone buy me these and bury me in them thanks a mill. Inspo from my bestie Marie. The perfect dupe of the Prada boots that I can only dream to own one day. I’m tellin you girls, once my foot picture business takes off, I’m gonna own the real deal. Until then, these will do. At a gorge little 62.21€ (precise I know) you can’t really go wrong gals!

What better way to finish off an outfit than with a raunchy leather bucket hat. How cute and funky would this look with that co ord? VERY. Especially cuter because it’s only 18€. When I think of festivals I imagine all outfits with my long grey wig and I get mad excited. Now saying that I feel mad depressed because no festivals this year for Jess. But 2021 will be filled with lots of festivals, hugs & hopefully no poxy coronavirus.

Sending love to everyone.

Ps. Nanny if you’re reading this I can’t wait to hug the body off you and go to the slots again.

Jess x

I’ve lost my flare

What a time to be alive girls, a poxy pandemic. Honestly never even knew the word existed until now! But here I am, writing a blogpost while the world falls apart around me, but listen it’ll all be fine.

Bet you didn’t expect the title of this to mean the post was ACTUALLY about flares but bitch it is. It’s 2020 and we are all about a flared jean/ pant of some sort. My main flare I live in & have even talked about before on here are from my beloved Topshop, until each one of you own a pair I won’t fucking stop talking about them. Mine are so worn you can see my whole arse through the crack of them, but – I continue to wear them because everyone deserves a little peak of a bum every now and again.

Throw on a blazer, a belt and a heel and baby ; you might (Emphasis on might) get a smooch if you’re lucky. Saying that, the closest I got to a smooch this night was my granda forgetting I was his granddaughter and going in for the kill. Forgive and forget girls ok?

I’m not much of a jean gal, but I do love following a trend. I’m a slut for copying other girls outfits sometimes and when I seen these jeans I just had to gettttum. I’ve also never ordered jeans online, I have that problem where my arse is too big and waist too small to get a size that fits decently. I wish I could say I found the perfect jean that does that but I didn’t. I ordered a 12 on nasty gal and they’re v big on the waist but fit so fine on the legs and the length is gorge!

Once you throw a belt on ( I say this for everything I know soz) you are GTG SEXY.

Now wash your hands you detty pig.

Jessie x

Trackies and a nice jumper

The lazy girls equivalent to jeans and a nice top! After all the Christmas madness has blown over, I genuinely cannot be arsed wearing anything other than comfy pants and a big oversized jumper! The perfect way to hide the muffin top that I’ve no plan on trying to lose anytime soon. Since I’ve been living in jumpers lately I’ve had a few Q’s (yes I’m just as shocked that anyone has asked where I buy anything) where I’ve gotten my half zip jumpers. The answer ladies is Topman!

I mean it when I say bury me in this fleece, even though the sweat was literally rolling off my back, I’ve never been as cosy! Throw on a pair of tracksuit bottoms and a lash and you’re good to go! A slicked back bun always looks lovely with a turtleneck (especially if you can’t be arsed washing your hair and it’s already stuck to your head). We all know I’m fond of abit of layering so of course I fucked on a turtleneck just to make the outfit abit more me.

Again, topman does it again with this one, the flares are from Topshop and are a must! With boots or runners they just help add a little how’s things to the look, they also give you a deadly arse so it’s a win win! May I also add- all my single girls, wearing fellas jumper makes you feel like you have a boyfriend and you’re just robbing his clothes, leaving you feel less lonely and less likely to cry yourself to sleep! You’re welcome.

add on; my necklace that’s constantly wrapped around my fat little head holder is from ASOS, I can’t remember a price but was defo under 25€!

Goodnight and god bless

Jessie x

New year same shite

This blog is a lil different to the usual ones, gonna use it as a recap of my year, if you’re into my clothes blogs feel free to stop reading and hopefully I’ll stop being a lazy prick and write a few more in the new year! 2019 was easily one of the worst but best years I’ve ever had, so many mixed feelings towards it but happy to see the back of it. Don’t get me wrong I’m extremely grateful to be here and healthy and nothing majorly bad has happened.

I’ve been to Birmingham lol had a ball, Turkey – baby girl got a new grill. I wrote my first blog for an online magazine after only writing one actual blog post!

Went to Ibiza and died a death. Not to mention Forbidden Fruit & Life Fest. I’ve made new friends & made a lot of stun memories with the best group of girls anyone could ask for. I have a gorgeous little chunk of a nephew & i have the best family in the world.

Although I really am blessed to have a good healthy life sometimes you find yourself struggling & that’s perfectly fine. The last year has been draining and I’m just happy I’ve come out the other side with a better attitude & I’m excited for what 2020 holds. This is only a short post, just want all you sexy cunts to be grateful for what you all have and take a step back and appreciate it all.

Have a safe and wonderful new year my little rides.

Jessie x

Using my nipples as coat hangers

Girls, I must admit the drop in the weather has caused me to constantly look excited, if you got nipples you get it. As the title says – you could hang a coat on my nips and that’s no exaggeration, she’s Baltic out. I’m a serious fan of Winter, only the cold though obviously not the wind and rain I’m not a serial killer thank you! I’ll also add that’s only because I am the sweatiest human to walk the planet (attractive) in the Summer and I’m a massive fan of a turtleneck. So here’s a few things I don’t think I could live without lately!

If you don’t own a pair of leather pants during winter I’m telling you now there’s a really high chance you might be a pervert, no offense. I’m actually wearing the above leggings at this exact moment and I’ll admit they’re keeping my bottom extremely warm, not only are they v v v v stretchy and have an elastic waist (perfect for going for dinner- food baby room) but they’ve a gorge little suede-like lining on the inside to keep your lovely little arse nice and toasty. They’re from Topshop and at a stunning €50 you can’t really go wrong. They go with everything and I mean that. If anything they’re an investment piece so you shouldn’t feel guilty for splashing the cash.

Also Topshop give 10% student discount so hello 5€ off for my college babies.

She’s plain, she’s simple, she’s effective. I wear a turtleneck under litch everything. They’ve currently got a two pack on missguided for 15€, nice little black and white number for yourselves! Honestly layering is my fav thing to do wether it’s under a dress ,T-shirt, jumper you name it I can 100% guarantee you’ll look 10 times more sexy with your turtleneck on, who doesn’t look more attractive as a walking foreskin? Might I also add, scauldy tan? Never heard of her, cover that neck and them arms right up. The perfect answer to Wednesday’s arm crease problem.

Shoutout to my ginger nut Marie for this jacket that looks similar to a duvet and feels like a constant hug. She bought this last week and this is my sneaky way of telling her I’m going to copy, getting a gorge little number like this for 50€? Cheers missguided you little unit. Hunniiii keeping them thicc thighs and bottom warm all while looking like a walking snack, you can’t go wrong baby.

Todays life advice- Keep eachother warm by spooning naked to transfer body heat & enjoy it.

Jessie x

Let’s get fired

Well lads, I’d love to say I’m back but who knows I could disappear again. For someone who’s wrote fuck all blog posts I take some amount of career breaks and I apologize, laziness takes over but listen better late than never to attempt to get back into things amiriteeeeee?

With Christmas parties coming up what better way to jump into it than abit of inspo for all you huns looking to get your bits out for your boss! There’s nothing more scandal filled than a Christmas get together and going by experience, your outfit has ALOT to do with how your night goes. I may or may not have spent the whole of last years Christmas party flashing what little chest I had to every Tom, dick & Harry , all because the front of my jumpsuit had a zip the whole way down the front, try tell me would that of still happened had that zip not of been there? Probably but we’ll say it no.

Let’s get down to business.

Sorry how sexual is this? It would give a snowman a horn. This dress literally has hello promotion written all over it. Pretty little thing of course, they’ve a lot of gorge new stock, a lot of sparkle mind you which personally isn’t me. I look tacky to bits when I put sparkles near my body so for anyone who can pull them off my hat goes off to you, ye little sexy weapon. Anyway, coming in at a gorge little €30 you can’t go wrong, honestly throw that on and you’ll make your money back in drinks on the night so win win.

Ooooooo baby, dreamy dreamy dreamy. If I die soon bury me in these plz. Not everyone’s cuppa tae now but let me set the scene: you’re at the Xmas party venue, you look across the room to see the fella you’ve fancied for ages lookin all massive ready for a little mistletoe moment, you walk past wearing a vinyl snakeprint trouser- chances are your sucking in for the life of you unable to breathe but the trousers do the talking for you, and baby girl you’re not going home alone. I’ll say it beforehand- you’re welcome. Nice little short story there, unfortunately not speaking from experience but a gal can dream. These bad boys are from missguided – €35. Depending on how much skin you want to show I’d probably pair them with a bralette since they’re quite high waisted, also available in tall for all you lanky hoes.

Suit yourself hehe see what I did there. Honestly there’s nothing more gorge than a nice suit, and I’m just obsessed with check print end of so don’t come at me. Again this with a bralette OR if we’re feeling brave maybe just tape the tiddies and go for it! This is from the collusion range for ASOS, such stunning pieces and at €80 for the whole poxy suit you cannot go wrong! Throw on a strappy black heel and a fluffy bag and your dancing all the way to the bar for a baby Guinness.

Hope every one of you get a smooch at your Xmas parties, thank me later.

Jessie x

I love it when you call me seniorita

Well well well, I would say I’m back again but I already said that in my last blog and decided to disappear after ‘ making a comeback’ so I won’t repeat myself, let’s be real I don’t know if I’ll even keep this up as often as I was, it’s abit of a hard one to do between working and then sitting down for an hour or two shiting on about clothes and what not ( it’s actually not hard I’m just a lazy prick who would rather nap). Anywhoooooooo, since I recently done a Vengaboys on it and went to Ibiza, it would be silly not to write about my outfits ( or what little clothing I did wear). Now my style over there wouldn’t be considered suitable for everyone’s taste but listen, am not here for approval babies am here for a good time.

First up we might aswell go straight in no kissing, I’ve worn this skirt to death and I don’t even care- sustainable wha? It’s from Praydanna and it will be my funeral skirt let me tell you that, I got a 10-12 in it but overestimated the size of my waist so had to take it in abit at the side, it’s quite true to size I just shop for my hip size more than my waist because it’s easier to just take things in! The bandeau is from Etsy I think, burb on burb u say? I’m here for it. The leg harness is the best ali express purchase of my 24 years on this earth. Was defo worth the 609 day wait for delivery tbh. I’m telling you if you throw a leg harness on any outfit it automatically puts your sexy points up by 60.

Next up we have the outfit that almost got me kidnapped and sold into the sex trafficking industry, ladies if your to wear something like this make sure your not going out with just one other girl, the old men stares will infact make you puke in your own mouth. Other than all of the weird looks I got wearing this it’s actually my favorite little ensemble I wore in Ibiza. The perfect amount of clothes for the large amount of sweat dripping off your back- sexy. The top is just penny’s, knicker shorts are nasty gal, fishnets penny’s obv. Then the belt is bershka & my other beloved leg harness- another Ali express steal ( you honestly can get every kind of harness possible here so highly recommend getting the finger out and ordering now for next year).

This outfit is a prime example of what accessorizing can do for a simple dress, this dress cost me 9.95€ in h&m and even though it may have looked tie dye from the sweat on my arse at the end of the night it was still one of my favs! Simple yet effective as they say! I’m a big fan of a backpack but in crowded places I always feel safer having a fannypack on my front! Less chance of some wanker robbing me blind – love that for me.

My main advice for Ibiza outfit planning is- dont. I mean that to a certain extent, obviously plan a few bits but your better off just having all your accessories sorted and work the outfit around them, throw loads of different bits into your case and see what you feel over there, even better if whoever is with you has a few bits you can rob (cheers Marie your an angel sent from the heavens). Hope this will all help you sexy galz live your best porn star lookalike life on your holibops.

Much love,

Jessie x